Wherefore Art Thou, Dante

Let's make this clear before you read this: I do not like Dante. For some reason he irritates me more than anything, and I feel as though I have to pull my hair as I read Purgatory; because (in my opinion) he does not understand Christ and what He did for us. But it's chill. This is Dante we're talking about. 

Okay, so imagine walking through a forest on the evening of Good Friday because you lost your way. That's where we find our lovely protagonist, Dante Alighieri, at the beginning of Inferno, the first of three books considered as The Divine Comedy. Our buddy is in this wilderness because he "wandered from the straight and true" (Dante 3.3) - he's wandered from the path of Christ.

With nothing but his thoughts to keep him occupied, Dante walks through the forest. Then, he sees it: a hill that "leads all men aright on every road" (Dante 3.18). Dante decides that he's going to leave the forest and climb up that hill.

... Or so he thought.

Dante's brief moment of determination and happiness is crushed by the appearance of a "leopard light of foot and quick to lunge" (Dante 5.32). Dante literally has to step back and turn around because the leopard would not leave (and our protagonist knows he can't fight the feline either). So he walks back the way he came, and he's pretty content with staring at the beauty that is the sun until he runs into another animal that wants to block his path. This time he's face to face with a lion, "his head held high, his hunger hot with wrath" (Dante 5.47). And before our friend has a chance to even blink a she-wolf appears, and not only is this she-wolf scrawny as can be she weighs down Dante's spirit as well (Dante 5.49-52).

If this were anyone but Dante in this situation they would be doomed and/or dead; but Dante's really special and cannot die yet. He actually ends up meeting his favorite poet and heads off on a journey to travel through Hell because Beatrice (by God) wants to bring him back on the path of Christ. This journey through Hell lasts for thirty-three cantos, and Dante gets to travel through Purgatory and Paradise (but these are discussions for a later time). But he gets to watch the people he hates suffer for all eternity - all the while while traveling with his new best friend Virgil.

But as he travels through Hell, it makes me start to think: what Circle of Hell would Dante himself end up in? He's not exactly the nicest person, considering he created an entire trilogy to throw all the people he hates into endless damnation. Dante is also sassy throughout all of Inferno, and he has a bit of a mean streak. While he does believe in Christ and has repented - which automatically puts him somewhere in Purgatory - he's going to suffer punishment just this once because I really want him to.

Right off the bat we can eliminate the Sixth Circle of Hell (Heresy); our protagonist doesn't really stray from the religion nor does he believe in anything that can be considered heretic. So he does not have to suffer staying in an open grave until Judgement Day (Dante 98.10). The next we can cross off the list is the First Circle of Hell (Limbo). While he's considered to be a great poet, he did not live a virtuous life. He idealized Beatrice Portinari and not higher wisdom, and he spent a portion of his life dealing with politics - nothing good ever comes from politics.

The next circle to go is the Third Circle: Gluttony. Throughout Inferno and Purgatory, Dante never really expresses gluttonous desires. He hardly talks about his desires, and it would be unfair to torment him with storms of cold rain (Dante 55.7-12). Our buddy also escapes the Fourth Circle of Hell (Avarice). Dante isn't exactly the greediest fellow I've read about. He doesn't have much when he enters Hell and he probably has less when he actually manages to escape. He's also a poet, and I don't recall him having a bunch of money.

If you didn't know this about our new best friend, Dante was exiled from his native city of Florence. He was playing the politics game and he was ultimately given a bad hand. But he wasn't treacherous which why we are going to eliminate the Ninth Circle of Hell (Treachery) from his final resting place. He will not spend an eternity with the crybaby Satan (Dante 355.53). We are not going to condemn our Italian to the Second Circle (Lust) either. While he is semi-obsessed with Beatrice, he isn't exactly lustful; she's dead anyways so it would be pointless if he was lustful.

We're getting closer to the end now. The Eighth Circle of Hell (Fraud) is the next Circle to be crossed off the list. As much as I see Dante as a hypocrite myself, he's not a flatterer nor is he a pimp. He's not a seducer, and he doesn't practice simony. In his real life, Dante was accused of political corruption. While he swore up and down that he didn't do it, I find the evidence to be pretty convincing. But, alas, Dante escapes the Circle and we must continue to find the most proper punishment.

Our remaining two Circles of Hell are the Fifth (Wrath) and the Seventh (Violence). Now, Dante's more than likely a skinny, little man. He exercised his brain and not his body. So it's probable to believe that he would lose a fist fight. But the biggest reason he is a prime candidate for the Seventh Circle of Hell is that he literally wrote a book to throw everyone he hates into Hell. He writes horrific scenes and creates terrible punishments. His may not be violent with his fists but he is violent with his mind. And that's not chill. This reasoning is also why the Fifth Circle of Hell is a prominent candidate. He harbors so much anger against the ones who wronged him in life that he writes Inferno. Again, it's not chill Dante.

So, in the end, the most suitable level of Hell for our buddy Dante is ultimately the Seventh Circle of Hell. Dante gets to be immersed in a river of boiling blood (Dante 119.47-48). And, if he tries to lessen his punishment by rising out of the water, he's going to get shot with an arrow by a centaur (Dante 121.73-75). 

This shall be his punishment for all eternity, and, to me, it's quite fitting. You will reap what you sow Dante Alighieri.